Sunday, April 10, 2011

Captain Density and the Mixed Uses: Birth of a Legend

Jimmy Joe Brown was a mild mannered construction worker when a freak roof collapse changed his life forever. Just when his co-workers thought that all was lost Jimmy Joe emerged from the rubble unscathed, but his body had shrunk to 50% of its former size! The best scientific minds set to the task of finding the cause of this dumbfounding transformation. After brow-furrowing analysis they concluded that ambient radiation, mixed with a low carb diet, and dangerous levels of cable news had produced a man with all of the former characteristics of Jimmy Joe, but within a much more compact footprint.

As the weeks passed, Jimmy Joe made one shocking discovery after another about his new state. He was nearly impervious to physical harm, with skin as dense as rock. He could summon transit vehicles just by thinking about them, and the spirits of endangered species would come to his aid from time to time.

One day, the lab's alarm system went off, triggering pandemonium among the whitecoats.

"What is it?" demanded Jimmy Joe of the nearest man he could find.

"It's terrible! Commandant Excessive Height Limit is destroying the building! Run!"

Never one to shink from a dangerous mystery, Jimmy Joe sprinted off in the other direction.

Crash! Bang!

It felt as if an earthquake had shaken the building, as the roof and exterior walls began to collapse all around him. Suddenly a man in military garb, with red underwear outside his pants emerged, beams emanating from his hands.

"For goodness sake man, stop! What do you think you're doing?" demanded Jimmy Joe.

"Out of my way insect. This building is far too tall. I am correcting its defect."

"But it's only three stories!" Jimmy Joe responded, dumbfounded, "Are you insane? Stop before someone gets killed!"

"And who will stop me, you?! Hahahahaha. I approve of your diminutive stature. Do not force me to destroy you."

"Not a chance! If you won't stop on your own, I'll have to put a stop to you myself!" With that Jimmy Joe extended his arm and summoned a transit bus that flew across the room at the mysterious stranger at breakneck speed.

"Fool! Your transit won't stop me. Transit needs density to survive, and I am here to make sure that no density may despoil my perfect city! Commandant Excessive Height Limit will not be stopped by the likes of you!" With that the bus evaporated into a puff of smoke.

Jimmy Joe stood a moment mouth agape, as the Commandant continued to destroy the building. Fearing the worst, he began to panic, but just as he began to be overcome by fear a glistening white bear appeared.

"Hear me, Jimmy Joe", said the bear. "I am Poloso, spirit of the polar bear, a species threatened by global warming, which is exacerbated by excessive car dependence. Your fate is to be a defender of the principles of sustainable urbanism. You have much to learn. I will dispatch this malefactor for now, but you must learn to control your powers too for your destiny to be fulfilled."

With that Poloso emitted a high pitched roar.

"No, no!!! To high!!! Bring it down!!!!!!" Screamed Comandant Excessive Height Limit, covering his ears in agony. "You win this round Jimmy Joe, but you shant stop my shenanegans forever. We shall meet again!"

To be continued . . .

Editor's note: I swear I'm sober.

1 comment:

  1. A likely story. Too many beers at CicLAvia happy hour, methinks.

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